March 01, 2018 13 Comments

I’m just going to put it right out there…being a mom is tough. We are expected to know pant, shirt and shoe sizes of each child, remember doctor appointments, their friend’s names and who is dating who, as well as what each child will and will not eat. We drop them off at the lake, take them to practice and shuffle a car full of teenagers to the mall, after we have worked a full day for a boss who doesn’t understand how difficult his “simple” requests are. We do this every day and it becomes our routine. But occasionally, we have a day that halts our routine…that shakes us to the core…that makes time stand still. A day when we reminisce, recalling the day they were born and vividly remember holding our fine haired babies and gazing at their tiny fingers in our hands.

I rushed to the ER to find my then 16-year-old son lying in a hospital bed, eyes closed, and very still. The monitor was beeping wildly, lights flashing, displaying a heart rate of next-to-nothing, as the nurse rushed by me to check his vitals. She told me they were still waiting on the tox screen to know definitively what he took. My son, the boy I grew and taught how to use a fork and tie his shoes, was lying motionless in a hospital bed, hooked to machines, and I had to verify he was breathing. I sat there in the hard-plastic chair, a fabric curtain separating my life from the bustle of the ER. The man on the other side of the curtain was vomiting and there was a child screaming somewhere close. I started to pray. I stared at his face and his giant man feet hanging off the end of the bed. I started to cry and found my thoughts wondering back and forth from how this happened to what type of pie the cafeteria had. Then I became fixated on pie, I craved pie in my core. I knew my son needed to be admitted into a rehab facility but pie was so much easier to think about. It's crazy the ways we find to cope. 

I recall exactly how I felt when I drove my son to rehab and the vile things he said to me. He was in detox and was not happy. I was assured this is a normal phase and as soon as he detoxified his body I would be able to speak to him, and not the drugs that had control of him. I wish that was the end of the story of how Meth consumed our lives for more than 8 years. I say Meth consumed ‘Us’ because it was a family affair. My son checked himself out of rehab that time three days later. I then sent him to Canada for treatment where he miraculously snuck back into the United States and hitch-hiked his way to California. He was homeless for years, in and out of jail/ prison and all the while I was attending Nar-Anon meetings to learn how to disengage, stop enabling and to love him from a distance. Laura was with me. Laura sat on the phone with me while I cried or screamed or she told me stories about her adventures. I miss her…but that is another Blog post altogether.

I infused this candle with Judgment because that is exactly what this mother/son duo felt from the world. I had clearly fucked my son up- it was my fault. I judged myself, I felt the judgment from others and so did my son. He felt hopeless and was tormented with judgment. He felt the eyes and the looks when he walked down the street. He felt the comments. And yes, he looked like a skinny meth head, but he was my baby….my skinny meth head and it broke my heart.

 I am so happy to report that at 25 years old my baby boy is alive and sober. He has a full-time job and a girlfriend that I absolutely adore. His eyes are bright and his skin is clear and he is determined to be a dad one day. My son LOVES this candle. In fact, it is his favorite. This candle honors our journey together.

So to all the Judgmental pieces of shit- Knock It The Fuck Off. Stop sending me messages that I am making fun of addicts. I would never, EVER do that. My heart breaks for every single addict and their families and I am eternally grateful my son is alive and well. I made this candle as a reminder…also it never hurts to reinforce the house rules.

FYI...it was coconut cream pie. 

Stay Malicious.


13 Responses

Terry
Terry

March 06, 2018

Moms to moms. Humans to humans. We’re all in this together and you’re never alone…even when you really want to be; so you run away….like maybe to a matinee movie, in the middle of the week, where no one can bother you for two entire hours. Just because it makes you look sad to be alone in a theatre watching a matinee in the middle of the week, relish in your freedom. The internet trolls can’t reach you there.

Beverly Quinby
Beverly Quinby

March 02, 2018

This was one of the first candles I bought for my dear friend who is coming up on 7 years sober – from meth. She laughed so hard when she opened her sobriety gift. Only individuals who walk through the journey of torment of addiction either as a loved one or the addict truly get it. I remember meeting your son and hearing some of his story. It is wonderful news to hear he is still clean and sober today and thriving. It is because of your unfailing love as a parent.
Many blessings to you and yours.

Dawn Anzelone
Dawn Anzelone

March 01, 2018

This just reinforced my thoughts on you making a “Dumb Ass” collection.
Like hey “Dumbass” why don’t you mind your own fucking business… ( Because it’s literally “your” business so you can do what you want) Woot woot woot
As for me.. I am a obvious dumbass because if you look at my previous comment it was cut short since my fingers and brain are obviously not on the same page… probably due to all the meth I was doing in your bathroom!!!!! ☯️❤️✝

Dawn Anzelone
Dawn Anzelone

March 01, 2018

This just reinforced my thoughts on you having a “Dumbass”

Randi
Randi

March 01, 2018

Well done. Being someone who’s family has been impacted by drugs and alcohol, I found the candle fucking hilarious. And why? Because we find the humor in these fucked up situations that NO ONE wants to be in and we HAVE to laugh at the lunacy of things we ACTUALLY end up saying. So for those sensitive to it and HAVE been affected then please go to a meeting to find your humor again. For those that haven’t personally been affected then FUCK OFF and go buy a boring candle.

Mia Magdaline
Mia Magdaline

March 01, 2018

Thank you so much for sharing your heart, joy and passion. I carry your candles in my store, Blackbird Merchantile, in Olympia Washington. If I could only record some the laughter, the joy and stories the customers share while exploring your candles. A 90 yr old women (at least ), bought one that had “Fuck” right in the middle (so many sayings I can’t remember), she said “it’s about time, god this feels good”… other older folks, my age, act prim and proper when they bring their treasures up to pay…I tell them don’t hide your laughter and delight, that’s what the world needs. Diffuse the Bullshit and the ordinary ❤️
Kim
Kim

March 01, 2018

Thanks for completely destroying my eye makeup. You cannot know how much I understand your story. ♥️❤️?

Linda
Linda

March 01, 2018

I love the outcome of this story and I think I need this candle. One of my dearest friends is in prison due to his meth addiction. For 10 years I had NO idea. He was a genius at hiding his using. After he was arrested, I racked my brain for clues…… how could I not have know? I’m pretty sure he did meth in my bathroom on more than one occasion. Humor and pie help get us through life. Thank you for sharing your story.

Jennifer Manselle
Jennifer Manselle

March 01, 2018

I knew most of this story already..but damn it I still got chills and cried. I’m sorry people are assholes! Fuck all the judgemental assholes who think they know you! You’re heart is pure and malicious ?? (If that candle didn’t make you lose thousands..nothing will!!!) Soon you’ll tell all your stories for everyone to know just how special and loving and what a true blessing you are!! Love you!!

Wendy Becker
Wendy Becker

March 01, 2018

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for those fucking fucks who have no idea what others go through, yet are first to jump to conclusions. Thankful your son is doing well. I don’t feel you failed, the drugs won. Period. I know a couple well who have dealt with a son who was addicted to heroin. Such a hard , long, recovery and I watched a lot of it. Be proud and ignore as much as you can. It’s hard I’m sure. Keep rocking your candles! I love them, and Thanks again for adding a diffuser to my order for my friend fighting Cancer! #meanpeoplesuck

Lee Ann
Lee Ann

March 01, 2018

I’m so proud to that you guys came out of your journey together and have such a bright future together. I witnessed some of your anguish and heartache during those 8 years, and it’s wonderful to see you now with you in such a happy and good place for you and the family. I will always be indebted to you for your friendship when I had own road to walk. You will always be a special person in my life. Stay true to you , which has always been that sarcastic, wonderfully Malicious Lacey!

Heather
Heather

March 01, 2018

Man do I know this feeling….unfortunately mine is/was actively using heroin and meth. He is jail right now. It is a feeling only a parent, ( I’m sorry but especially momma’s) of an addict child can feel and understand. He has a beautiful 2 1/2 yr old daughter, is a super bad ass tattoo artist and absolutely gifted musician and none of it yet is enough to clean him up. I have hope that this 60 days locked up gas given him enough clean time to stay clean (he says he wants to change) but jail talk is a real thing. All we can do is love them from a distance and remind ourselves that we have done the best we can with what we have. Hugs to all my other momma’s of addicts, one day at a time !!! ♡♡♡

Boots Leonard
Boots Leonard

March 01, 2018

I have seen both of my boys in orange jumpsuits, seen them through ER visits, have been to the meetings, and have experienced many sleepless nights. No matter what, they are still my boys, and I love them, sometimes from afar. They have both found their way to sobriety and I feel totally blessed that we all made it through those tough times. I am like a wounded she bear when it comes to my boys, and people have no right to place any judgement on us, they don’t know the back story. We are good people and we know it, staying malicious, one day at a time.

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