Let me know if you all want to keep reading about my boring life, or if I should be writing about 5 Candle Care Tips & Tricks, or ‘Why soy wax is better than paraffin’. Until then, I would like to introduce you to the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. Alice: an English Cream Golden Retriever, Frank: our grumpy-ass Basset Hound, and Princess Ivy, our Shiba Inu grandpuppy.
Frank doing his favorite activity and Alice and Ivy at Doggie Bootcamp.
Ivy is James (my son) and Kerra’s (his girlfriend) girl. Ivy does not like to be left alone so she comes over every day while James is at work. She is true to her Shiba breed and absolutely psychotic when she gets the zoomies. She riles up Alice and then somehow gets Frank in on the zoomie action. If you’ve never seen a Basset with the zoomies, you’re missing out. There are ears everywhere.
Now I firmly believe every dog goes through two years of stupid. Alice is three and it took her an extra year. Frank is two and has finally stopped howling at dust…and then there is one-year old Ivy. I get home before Joe and James and I never know what I am going to walk into. Ivy’s newest fascination is toilet paper. If that bathroom door isn’t firmly closed, Ivy will perform her Houdini magic and destroy a roll in the backyard or dining room.
This past Christmas, I made a gift for James and Kerra. I can’t find a picture of the finished ornament but this is the Cricut file. This was made prior to her latest toilet paper fascination.
I’m getting to the point, I promise…Stay with me.
Needless to say Ivy has been on my list more times than you can imagine. MWCC is a dog-friendly workplace and whenever Ivy comes to work with James, the first thing she does is B-Line it for my office and take a giant shit. Every. Damn. Time. She never goes in the house, or anywhere else. Just my office.
Last year, after I planted my garden, Alice and Ivy jumped in the planter and dug up all my starts. They had a grand time. It was raining and they rolled in the mud and then came inside and the entire downstairs was covered in soil and murdered plants. I knew it wasn’t Frank because, well, Basset Hound. I ended up building a fence around the entire planter.
This year, I tilled a new bed for a bee flower garden. I bought the black fences to keep Ivy out. We had a bet and full discussions about how long it would take for Ivy to break through. James was adamant Ivy wasn’t going to and I was skeptical. When Kerra came to pick Ivy up on Wednesday, she was quick to snap this photo of Alice taking a giant shit in my freshly dug flower bed BEHIND the fence. They rubbed it in incessantly. Franks face is everything! Damn Alice…It was physically painful to admit I was wrong while cleaning up her destruction.
The point I guess is that Alice is working on her 4th year of stupid, Ivy needs an edible and Frank is just unimpressed with literally everything. I'm curious, what's the craziest thing your dog has ever eaten? And did you get pics? :)
Stay Malicious, Lacie
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Comments (22)
I love your humor!! 😂 give my greetings to the 4 legged assholes
I had a husky who I found running in the streets. He had severe seperation anxiety and had channeled that into eating anything and everything.
He ate two queen sheets, countless dog beds, swallowed toys completely whole, tennis balls, boxers, socks, my dress, towels, washclothes, leashes, collars, etc. The kicker was when he, over the course of probably 2-3 days, ate tens of feet of thing nylon string holding some trees up in the backyard. This was well into his tenure so I was 1. surprised this happened at that age when he had been doing pretty good and 2. not surprised at all. This was the ONLY time I was worried about him (he looked sick.) The vet xray showed a pile of rope in his stomach (this was after he had thrown up probably 3-4 piles already.
Surgery was booked for the next morning. 2am that morning he threw up another huge pile of rope and I looked at him and saw him feel better and just knew that once again he was fine.
I had my husband make them give him another xray before surgery and yep he was fine.
When he died, he shockingly didn’t die from shit he had consumed.
Loved the story told in real people terms. When you have more than one dog it is pretty hard to assess blame unless you have photographic proof of which one it was. As for the sock and towel eaters — that is why you get dog health insurance, even at 70% coverage is has saved me a lot of $$ when my “little” mixed breed dog was so busy hunting ground squirrels and other assorted rodents on the ranch that she got bit by a rattlesnake. Not once. Not twice. But four times. Fortunately, doggie health insurance covered them all and the two rattlesnake avoidance training sessions. At the last session I insisted the trainer put the shock collar up to the max. At that setting, Juri finally got the message and has successfully avoided the snakes and even alerted me to the presence of one several times in the years since the four envenomations.
My current husky, Fynn, ate a popsicle stick because my mom was not paying attention when she was giving him a popsicle and once he finished the popsicle, he snatched the stick out of her hand and swallowed it. First husky (the family husky) chewed up a kiddie pool because my mom kept putting his rubber ducks in it and it upset him. He also bit the cable line into the house and chewed the foam wrap off the A/C wires. The “worst” thing my first husky, Milo ate was most of a roast. His first Sunday after I adopted him, I made a 4lb sirloin roast. Carved it up for dinner, and the BF and I sat down to eat. Milo wandered into the kitchen for water. His first day he was scared to go into the kitchen even with coaxing. I went to see what he was doing and he had eaten the whole rest of the roast! I am sure he thought he got adopted to the best place ever, considering his prior owners fed him Kibbles & bits! I was going to adopt a husky I named Cooper. His first day home alone he broke out of his crate, chewed up the LR blinds, a loaf of bread, got into the dog proof garbage can, got himself locked into the upstairs bathroom, chewed up the rug, blinds, door and wood trim. He had to go to a rescue who could help him with his anxiety issues and go to a home where he wasn’t the only dog and people were mostly home. I cried having to give him up… he was a sweet guy. Would have been nice if the rescue had answered my questions as to why he had been brought in and why he had been returned. It would have saved Cooper some mental anguish (and me panic when the original rescue wanted to put him down if I brought him back due to his anxiety issues, saying he was not adoptable – that’s a whole different story). Maybe it was lucky because I got him to a place who would make sure he was ok and went to a home perfect for him….
My Gibbs had to be taken to the Emergency Vet three times in one month for eating socks! He would go into my daughter’s suitcase and steal them or push into the closet to get at the dirty laundry. That was expensive. Even the vet said, “didn’t I see him for the same thing last week?”
Also, damn Gibbs stole the turkey carcass off of the kitchen table while we were cleaning up the dining room after Thanksgiving dinner one year. He grabbed that sucker off the serving plate and took off through the house. Thankfully, my athletic 6’3” son was able to launch himself toward the dog and managed to abort the theft before too much disaster occurred.
Please keep the stories coming. I laughed at the dogs until I teared up 🤣🤣.
Lacie,
Thank you for cracking me up! I love your LIFE! stories, they are the best!
My sister dog (my mom’s pup) Mazie ate a kitchen towel and had to have surgery to have it removed. She still insists on sticking any and everything she can in her mouth but luckily doesn’t mind you sticking your hand down her throat to pull whatever out. She’s completely neurotic and insane but we love her anyways.
Life. Always life.
Thanks for all you do. You are brilliant.
I was at a book fair last week and had a sticker on my laptop (because I was going to write during the slow times — hahaha book fair novice that I was) and one of the women who stopped by saw the Malicious sticker and said “I love those people”.
So.
We have an English Cream too. Thank God he’s cute otherwise, we’d kill him. He’s eaten a lot but the best was my son’s girlfriends’ prescription glasses. Never found the lenses though. Thanks for entertaining me!