Menopause, Ass Pellets, and Tears

Menopause, Ass Pellets, and Tears

Oct 13, 2023Lacie Marsh-Carroll

Welp, it has officially happened. I am on the cusp of perimenopause and full beard growing Menopause. I’ve been dealing with hot flashes and increased facial hair for about two years now, but for the most part it has been handled with supplements. I had a hysterectomy when I was 28 so I haven’t had a cycle that could give me clues on where I was officially at.

Recently the hot flashes have become so severe that I have taken to sleeping with the air conditioner on full blast and my poor husband sleeping with two blankets. It was back and forth for me. Blanket. No Blanket. All. Night. Long!

I looked into medical intervention about two months ago and discovered something called HRT Pellets. If you don’t know what these are, they are hormone pellets that are inserted with a giant needle into your ass fat.  I thought this is the perfect solution for someone with ADHD as I never can remember to take my meds. Side Note: What cruel joke is it that someone with ADHD is responsible for their own medication?

HRT Pellet Insertion

Note: Stock Google Image - This is not a picture of my ass.

I met with a naturopath doctor, got blood work and was told I was the perfect candidate. Turns out…I am not the perfect candidate for non regulated, non FDA approved hormone cannons shot directly in my body. First, after the DR cut open my butt cheek I couldn’t sit for 9 days. It hurt really, REALLY bad. If that was the worst of it, I would have been fine…but right about the time the giant lump formed the hormones started releasing. I warned my husband I may be a little emotional until my body adjusted to the Testosterone that was now coursing through my body.

Neither of us were prepared for the Yeti Style hair growth on my body. Ya’ll, I can braid my thigh hair. I’m not saying like a little hair, I’m saying we could do high design braid fashion with the black 3” long hair. I’m plucking chest hair ( these literally appear overnight and are black and long?!?) and my arms look like a gorilla.

I made a consultation to get sugared because there is no way I can keep up with this shaving.  She suggested I split the waxing up into TWO days! Mind you, this isn’t because of the schedule but due to the sheer volume of new hair I am growing would be a lot for one sitting.

Wonka Menopause Candle

Now the hormones. Ya’ll I’m not right. Joe and I had a very heated conversation about the classic Willie Wonka movie. We argued over the fact that I think the movie is Creepy AF and he considers it a cautionary tale about greed. The back and forth that happened was just short of bat shit crazy. I argued there were less terrifying ways to make a point and he argued it was a different time. Obviously, I knew that, but I ended up crying (I rarely cry) upset because why couldn’t he just agree with me that the movie is creepy AF?

Yesterday I started crying because I couldn’t find my air pods and got entirely too irritated that my son drank my last tiny coke. I’m damn near ready to grab a steak knife and dig these pellets out of my own ass. On the plus side, all this should resolve in 3-6 months. Hooray! I feel like I am either crying or apologizing at this point. I will NOT be getting another round!

Disclaimer: Do your own research. I am not a doctor and am sharing my own experience. I’ve heard fabulous stories that these work for a lot of women and horror stories like mine. Let me know your thoughts and if you’ve tried anything else to help manage the symptoms of this menopause bullshit!

Stay Malicious,


More articles

Comments (22)

  • I’ve been in perimenopause for a long as while now. I feel you. THANKFULLY I have not really been attached my the Hair Fairy, but that is seriously the only symptom I don’t have. knocking on wood furiously. Hot flashes, temper, crying, sweats, itchy skin, ITCHY MOTHER HUMPING EARS (omg, seriously the worst). I tried HRT but my insurance deductible is such that it’s $800 per WEEK for about the first 3 months of the year…. so needless to say, I’m not doing that any more. I take gabapentin,,, which helps a little. I sleep with the fan on and the window open year round. My husband sleeps under MANY blankets and I am under a sheet.

  • This! We need this. Keep talking about this stage of life like it’s a stage of life. Do whatever you think is best for yourselves. You may find you know more than your physician, when it comes to your medical care stay malicious! ❤️

  • Estrogen patches! They are amazing. And you can adjust bigger/smaller/trim/add. Highly recommend.

  • Complete hysterectomy with both ovaries removed 13 years ago. I wear a once weekly HRT patch. People around me are happier when I have my patch on. Because of my autoimmune disorder, the patches will be used for the rest of my life. I feel great, unless I forget to put another on. I do it every Sunday. Good luck to you

  • Complete hysterectomy at 36 (40 years ago – eek) followed by 20+ years of HRT, which worked REALLY well for me. This was back when it was a monthly shot of the stuff made from pregnant horse pee or something equally gross, but that stuff was great. Since then, I have fought with my doctors for a suitable replacement and have finally convinced them that they need to prescribe Estradiol in the interest of the general welfare and safety of the public. Not even kidding. Yes, I know the risks. Yes, I do not give a fast flying. At 76, I can either live with insomnia, plot the gory murder of anyone who even thinks of annoying me and be drenched in sweat three or four times a day OR take my little white pill and (maybe) die a year or two sooner. In all actuality, I would probably die sooner if I didn’t take the pills, as someone would SURELY kill me. And it would be totally justified under The Raging Bitch Act of 1982.

    Beverly Ann Davin
  • I’ve been dealing with hot flashes as well, and because I had breast cancer, cannot take HRT. Gabapentin works somewhat, but there is a very new (FDA approved last May) drug called Veozah that looks very promising in clinical trials. It’s probably expensive, but I’m planning to ask my doctor about it.
    As an aside, I would definitely advise caution with supplements of any kind. They are extremely under-regulated, and consumer testing has shown all kinds of undisclosed ingredients in them. If something is strong enough to have an effect, it’s strong enough to have a side effect, or a drug interaction with Rx and OTC meds or other supplements.

  • Hormones we’re born with in our bodies yet cause us to feel shittier than shitty as their levels decline and can also give us different types of cancer….sounds like some type of horror movie. It’s so unfair. I had a total hysterectomy shortly after I turned 40. Tried to avoid hormone therapy, but the raging mood swings and hours-long hot flashes were just too much. I’ve been on an estrogen patch for over 15 years and can’t imagine ever being without it.

  • Menopause is just cruel. I decided HRT was not for me after my grandmother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when i was 39. Then, at 54, I tested positive for BRCA2 so it wasn’t an option. The hot flashes (aka mini tropical vacations) were bad enough but the night sweats & emotional crazy were horrible. Then the emotional roller coaster rides – I felt insane to the point I begged my doc for HRT. “NO! YOU HAVE BRCA2!” and i hope whoever wrote that song I Enjoy Being a Girl" is roasting in hell while having eternal hot flashes & night sweats while crying over every fucking thing and having their gorilla hair plucked with tweezers. Fuck menopause.

  • YES! To all of this YES!
    I started getting hot flashes at 41. Not the boiling water poured down my back like I was preparing for. But my entire body is burning from a bonfire in my chest and sweat comes pouring down my face and back. I look like I just ran a marathon, and they lasted FOR HOURS!!! Twice I got hormones tested and the doctors said I was ‘in normal range’ when I finally went to a GYN and she said I might be in normal range, but the symptoms speak louder, and this doesn’t have to be endured. I got on birth control pills, and while I still get warm, I don’t have to keep a hand towell next to me to blot my face and strip off my top constantly. I also realized I’m much less irritated. I was STABBY before, and now I’m annoyed but not wanting to murder my loved ones.

  • Get this… menopause started for me at age 47, which just happened to coincide with the beginning of Covid! I got hot flushes, instead of hot flashes… Which means almost every day during Covid, I thought I had Covid, because they felt like a fever. I’ve had no night sweats, and no hot flashes, but menopause brought me the special girt of extreme anxiety and moods. Terrible, terrible moods. I didn’t take HRT or supplements, but I did start seeing a therapist, and I’m much better now postmenopause. I turn 50 next week!


Leave a comment