Alpha-Hole: n.  An alpha male asshole determined to make women feel small. See also ‘low self-esteem men’ and ‘tiny penis’.

I was 18 and working graveyard shift at Taco Bell. I had a baby to support and was pregnant with my second child. I could work nights while my husband was home. Before you ask, yes, I got pregnant and married at 17 to a 21-year-old man. It’s a lot to unpack there, but that’s a different blog post. He was Active Duty Navy at the time. About three weeks into this schedule, I was exhausted. Working all night and only napping when my baby slept during the day.

On my first night in drive-thru, right about the time the bars were closing in a Navy town, this car full of drunk sailors rolled up. Oh…they were very funny. They had jokes and jokes…and I was in no mood. I handed them a Diet Pepsi and the driver said “I ordered a REG-U-LAR PEP-SI, CUNT!”

Oh…well then…let me exchange that for you. The sailors started making dumb blonde jokes and laughing at ‘the stupid fat bitch’. I don’t exactly know if it was lack of sleep, pregnancy hormones, or just my personality, but as I dumped the entire Pepsi on him through his car window, I said “Here is your REG-U-LAR PEP-SI, ASSHOLE!”

Chaos ensued. He tried climbing through the Taco Bell window and the night manager ran over to stop him. He yelled and pointed that I purposefully dumped the Pepsi on him while I gave an apologetic smile. Fast forward and as they drove off, the Taco Bell night manager pointed to the door and told me I was fired. Rightly so, but GOD that felt good!

In 1997, after I escaped my Ex-Husband, I met a man who was on contract from Boeing Wichita. I was working at Boeing as an inspector. Wichita Romeo was charming and handsome and my dad HATED him. Wichita Romeo convinced me to quit my Boeing job and move to Kansas with him when his contract was over. Being young and stupid I moved to Kansas with my two toddlers. My parent's told me I was making a huge mistake, but I LOVED HIM!!! Wichita Romeo left me in a single-wide trailer in the middle of Kansas after just two weeks. I was running out of money, and I took a contracting gig at LearJet inspecting the inside of the tiny jet wings. It was grueling work and I was covered in fuel cell sealant most days.

Side Note: The universe brought me to a trailer park in the middle of Kansas for a reason. It was there I met Darlene who taught me how to make tater-tot casserole. So not every part of the story was sad. 

Growing up outside of Seattle, I was never really exposed to racism or the misogynistic ignorance of some people. I was young and cute and a single mother of two toddlers. I was working 10 hours a day and making really good money. I was the only female inspector and I was constantly harassed. It was the 90’s and I was working a man’s job, of course the behavior was ignored by management. I complained once and was basically told as a contractor, I could leave. I needed the job.

Look how young I was! I was also in my mid-90's unfortunate bleach blonde hair phase. I can't believe this was almost 30 years ago. I have so much to tell young Lacie. 

To cope, I started a list of all the men that could kiss my ass. I kept it in my big clipboard that I stored my tools in. I took great pleasure as I wrote new names and crimes on my list almost daily. It was my little way of fighting back and the only power I had. Yup…you guessed it. One of the Alphaholes was digging through my clipboard, who knows why, and pulled out the list. I was halfway hanging out of a wing as he began to read the list OUTLOUD in the middle of the shop. It had names of mechanics, inspectors, leads and of course management at all levels. It was a comprehensive list complete with the nicknames I had given them. It was a true work of art. The big, burly shop manager got in my face and told me to gather my things and that my contract was up. With my chin up, I grabbed the list out of the Alphahole’s hand and walked out.

To add insult to injury, I had to call my dad. Of course, he flew out to Wichita, helped me pack whatever I could fit into my 1996 Neon Green Geo Metro and drove me and two toddlers 1800 miles home. He never once said “I told you so”.

Stay Malicious, and try not to get fired next week. :) - Lacie