Corn Nut Catastrophes & Crowns

Corn Nut Catastrophes & Crowns

Apr 12, 2024Lacie Marsh-Carroll

Let me begin by saying I Googled the proper way to spell Corn Nuts and it is confirmed Corn Nuts is (are?) two words even if we pronounce it asCornuts’ one word.

So, what had happened was, Joe and I have been binge watching Sons Of Anarchy. There are seven seasons of this show and this is considered our evening snack time. We are the masters of Empty Nest Dinners (END). Forget girl dinner, you haven’t snacked until the table between your matching easy chairs are covered in a charcuterie of garbage food. Some of our favorite END foods include popcorn dipped in warmed up, canned nacho cheese, a loaf of warm sourdough dough bread with butter, salt and pepper, or classic Lays chips dipped in large-curd cottage cheese sprinkled with Johnny’s Season Salt. Small-curd cottage cheese is for wimps.

This week, Joe came home with Jalapeno Cheddar Corn Nuts or as I like to call them ‘Gelapano Cheese Cornuts’.  We were finally at the end of our day, cozy in our PJs and Crocs, and it’s time for our nightly dose of the Men of Mayhem. Joe brings us over a glass of wine and a bowl of Cornuts announcing ‘Dinner is served’. When I tell you I married far beyond my station, this is why. He even used the fancy Pottery Barn bowl. We fancy as fuck ya’ll.

We didn’t even get to the first murder of the episode before the crack happened. Tooth not drugs, I feel this is an important clarification given that we are talking SOA. I felt it immediately, but wasn’t sure if it was tooth or nut. I stuck my finger in my mouth and sure as shit, there was a razor sharp edge to my #14 upper molar. I didn’t know what number it was at the time, but after this week, number 14 is my most expensive tooth in my mouth.

I immediately knew I have to go to the dentist first thing in the morning. I start to panic. I’m not proud of this, but I haven’t been to the dentist in 5 years. I am a psycho brusher and flosser just so I don’t have to go to the dentist. I take care of my teeth because I have an insane, irrational fear of the dentist. There hasn’t been any trauma, no drilling without numbing…nothing to cause this fear, it just exists in my brain. (I fully expect to be judged harshly for this)

This is me terrified!

I call and they are able to get me right in. I’m sitting in the waiting room, having just taken a Xanax and they take me back for X-rays. This woman is in the wrong line of work, she had me laughing so hard I could barely keep the bite thing in. She then takes me to the chair and the dentist walks in. I explain to her my irrational fear and how terrified I am and she nods. She said it’s about control. "You have no control in the chair and you have things and people in your mouth that you either didn’t put in or invite in."  I lost it! That was hilarious! We look at the X-rays and she explains I am going to need a root canal and a crown. I ask if it is going to hurt and she said pointing at her coat “It says D.D.S. not G.O.D., it will be uncomfortable, but you shouldn’t feel pain until after.”

“Awesome.” I say flatly. The dental office manager came in and gave me the piece of paper that listed all the prices showing what my insurance will cover and that my out of pocket will be $1701.20. My two options are either pay the tooth fairy to rebuild my tooth or pull it, and put it under my pillow and hope for a dollar. I mean…I didn’t give up cocaine in the 90’s just to lose a tooth now. She asked if I wanted Nitrous Gas and I’m like, ‘Of course!’ That was another $125.00.

“Put it on my tab” was all I could reply.

I will say the procedure wasn’t too bad. It was a long time however, to have an unwanted person in my mouth. The worst part was feeling like I was drowning on my own saliva because I couldn’t figure out how to swallow with the dental dam in place.  The crazy part is that tooth has FIVE roots instead of three. Doc said that is really rare.

Long story short, I’m sitting here writing to you the next morning and it feels like I have been punched in the jaw. Ibuprofen is working and I am just waiting for the soreness to subside. On the plus side, I don’t have any other cavities.  Joe has been calling me the Corn Nut Queen because of my fancy, new and expensive crown. He is a very funny man.

The moral of the story for Joe, is to keep his damn Corn Nuts out his wife’s mouth!

Stay Malicious, 


Candle of the week: Well, Well, Well…If these aren’t the consequences of my own executive dysfunction. On Sale $17.00 (Regular price $22.00)

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Comments (11)

  • The last time I went to the dentist was 2020 right after everything had opened up after the initial “few months to flatten the curve” shutdown. The dentists at the VA will bitch about the state of your mouth while you’re in the chair. It was less than a pleasant experience, especially since a lot of my problems are due to dentists not looking into why I have so many “missing” teeth. I have at least 3 that are impacted so my jaw never expanded to hold them and it’s frustratingly (for a dentist) narrow. I’m sorry (not) that my previous dental care, WHEN I HAD ZERO CONTROL OVER IT AS A CHILD, makes your job slightly harder.
    I’d cracked a molar in half and needed it pulled. I was told “Even if this could have been saved, I wouldn’t have done it. It’s too hard to work back there.” What. THE FUCK?! Have none of you worked on pediatric patients with smaller mouths? What about the veterans who had their faces deformed by IEDs or other injuries? Do you bitch about the states of their mouths to their faces?
    I complained to the lower level powers that be and was told the assistant director would call me and address my concerns. I’m still waiting. I can’t justify spending the money out of pocket to see a private-sector dentist when I have it available to me free of charge due to disability. Ugh! Why does dental care have to be so expensive and inaccessible for so many?

    Shirley from (You Get Me, You Really Get Me) Middle America
  • So not judging you on not going to the dentist…. Who is your dentist!? That is the kinda dentist I need! Wishing you a speedy recovery!

    Tori K
  • I’m fortunate to have good teeth (so far!), but bad luck on other medical issues. I just wanted to say thank you for making me laugh today; both the blog and the hilarious comments are proof that humor is the best defense to life’s difficulties. Also, I’m never eating Corn Nuts or Milk Duds, even if I’m starving.

  • Years ago I cracked a tooth on SCRAMBLED EGGS!!!! I was out for breakfast with my parents. Apparently I had a huge filling that had just decided it was time to go, and then the tooth crumbled!

    Deni K
  • If it makes you feel any better my first (and so far only) crown replacement occurred after chewing a blueberry. Apparently when we were all younger getting cavities, our dentists went a little cra-cra drilling out our teeth for the filling and now they fracture left and right. Lots of dollars. Let’s not even talk about the multiple $$$$ I paid last year for gum grafting which was my consolation prize for braces as a kid that put my teeth where my gums never meant for them to be. You are NOT alone.

    Heather Becker
  • You and Joe are my dinner heroes!

    When I had a root canal, the dentist gave me a bunch of novocaine shots from all angles. He said “I know this isn’t pleasant, I just don’t want you to feel ANYTHING.” I said “I completely agree!” I couldn’t feel my face for hours. 😆

  • I managed to crack a tooth while eating fettuccine alfredo! There was a largish piece of black pepper that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Ugh.

  • I have a crown on one tooth that keeps popping off. I went back to the dentist the first time but now i just super glue it. It works for a few months.

  • Oh have I been there & paid that bill! My amazing dentist shared the magic potion: 1 arthritis strength 8 hr Tylenol & 1 ibuprofen. This sorcery works.

  • I’ve broken a tooth on a Corn Nut and once pulled one out chewing a cinnamon bear. I have broken a tooth biting into an apple. (Even the healthy stuff is treacherous with teeth like mine.)
    My dentist (who I see every 3 months because all my brushing and water picking isn’t enough for these flimsy excuses for enamel) recently referred me to a periodontist and I’m going under protest. I have spent thousands upon thousands on these fuckers to no avail and I’m pretty sure insurance isn’t going to cover whatever they propose. I’d rather eat soup and drink wine for the rest of my life. All to say, I so feel your pain.


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