She Believed She Could, But Was Really Tired, So She Didn't.

I fear I am going to have to visit an optometrist soon. If I see one more ‘Be Your Authentic Self’ or ‘Honor Your Own Truth’ I am fairly-certain my eyeroll will become a permanent condition.

Be your authentic self. What in the actual fuck does that even mean? Yes, yes…I know the definition, I get the meaning, I’ve read the blogs…but, I’m calling bullshit.

I read a Lifehacks article today and this one, damn-near tipped me over. There are so many blogs and books dedicated to finding your ‘authentic self’ but this blogger was able to sum it up into 3 easy-to-follow Life Hack steps. I’ll summarize.

Step one:

Life Hack suggests making a list of 10 -15 values that I hold near and dear to my heart. Ok. I’ll play along. My words are:

• Family
• Spirituality
• Friendship
• Integrity
• Kindness
• Love
• Balance
• Boldness
• Community
• Creativity
• Passion
• Accomplishment
• Responsibility (added later)

Step Two: Now I am supposed to make a poster of my words and read them every day.

Step Three: Finally, and through subtle brainwashing techniques (my value poster), I will begin making value-based decisions and finally become my authentic self – living my own truth.

Are you fucking kidding me right now? To be honest, I know my brain works a little different than most people.  In the past 43 years, I have learned to accept that. But this to me is NOT just a values poster, it is a giant to-do list. Hang in there with me while I give you a guided tour inside the mind of Lacie. What I read was this.

• You’re doing everything wrong. Your decisions aren’t based on the right values, how could they be, you haven’t made the damn poster?
• Derail into spinning thoughts because I chose to clean out every cupboard in my kitchen today and scrub that health-hazard down.
• Being your authentic self means deciding to do the things based on what feeds your soul. In this case, finally cleaning and gutting my kitchen ensured that my family wouldn’t die from a food or air borne illness. But you know what? I didn’t want to do it. I would have rather gone to the lake to find balance or on a day-date with my family, or finally fix my website bugs that have been gnawing at me.
• But it was the responsible thing to do. Fuck. I forgot responsibility in the list.
• Scroll up and add responsibility.
• I need to make a poster.
• Make a mental note (which I will totally space tomorrow) to stop by the dollar store and buy a poster.
• I need more glitter. I used all my glitter for “The Crafty Bitch” candle photo shoot.
• God I miss crafting. I need to find my mixed media journal and pull that out. (Almost stopped writing just now to go find my old journal) FOCUS LACIE!
• Ok- poster. Should I cut the letters out of vinyl on my Cricut or hand-letter? I hand-letter like a toddler- so vinyl it is. (Almost stopped writing to see if I had any glitter vinyl left) FOCUS LACIE!
• Where should I post the poster? In my bathroom? In my office? In my shop? I should just make three posters.
• Make a note to triple the supplies.
• Gaawwd…I really want some popcorn.
• When will I have time to make a poster. The perfectly spaced, easy to read poster?
• Looks at calendar. July 31^st is the next night I don’t have momming, or candles, or something going on.
• How many bad decisions will I make between now and July 31^st?
• I’m exhausted- I need a nap.

Now I know I could eventually become the textbook definition of my authentic self, but who in the hell has time? Yes, Yes…self-care and making time for me is a valid argument, but sweet Jesus, do you even want to hear the mind-spin involved in taking a bubble bath?

How about this? How about I let this shit go? Here’s me ‘honoring my truth’. How about instead of putting so much pressure on finding my ‘authentic self’, I just continue to do the best I can, when I can, and accept the fact that I will never be an authentic self role-model. My eyeliner will never be straight and my contour will always look like a pre-teen did it.  I will always cuss like a sailor and will feel awkward in social situations.  My house will never be ‘Samantha’ clean, but I know that I can always go over to visit her when I want to escape my household chaos. Also, she has wine. How about we stop trying to achieve this authenticity everyone keeps talking about, and just try to get through with as few meds as possible.

It is a great list, but seriously, trying to compare my tasks or decisions based on a list is causing serious anxiety. I will mind-fuck everything trying to compare it to my ‘Values List’ and honestly, I just can’t add another thing to my to-do list…mostly because I am tired.