It's Me. Hi. I'm The Problem

It's Me. Hi. I'm The Problem

It's Me. Hi. I'm The Problem

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this compelled to write a blog post, and I’m feeling a little anxious to share.

I’m back in therapy but It’s different this time. 2017 was the last time I was in therapy focused on processing the most impossible grief. As some of you may recall from my story, in three months, my sister was hit by a farm truck and broke nearly every bone in her body, my daughter who was active duty in the Navy at the time was in the hospital, my father, the most brilliant engineer, fell off a ladder and suffered a severe brain injury and the thing that broke me was my best friend, Laura lost her battle with depression and took her own life. I broke. I was depressed and couldn’t get off the couch. Therapy helped me process my grief, not only losing my heart friend, but helped me to grieve my father who was still alive. Therapy inspired me to take up a hobby to get me off the couch. I was on an LOA from my corporate engineering job and I applied my love of science and testing to create the perfect candle. I used a home labeling software to print my first label. I was playing around and remembered that for 22 years, Laura and I chatted or texted everyday about all the things we would say if only we were more Malicious. I had to incorporate that in the candle somehow and started typing “Malicious Women” I added Candle Co as an afterthought, never imagining I would ever sell a candle. The chandelier in our logo is for our shared love of chandeliers and the type font honors Laura’s love of old typewriters.

I couldn’t think of anything loving or sweet to type on the label. I was feeling sad and full of rage and I remember yelling at Laura for leaving me alone in this Shit Show and chaos. I typed it out on the label, then cried. Then saw my counselor and the rest of the story about the actual shit show and how this became a business is in the ‘Our Story' section of my website.

It's Me. I'm the problem- Credit Taylor Swift

You may be wondering why I am telling you all this. It’s because I feel like the darkness is starting to come back in, slowly and sneaky.  It is different this time. Where my grief was the focus of my depression, now it’s me. I’m the problem.

I have never felt more seen as I did when I heard Taylor Swifts new song, Anti-Hero.  It spoke to my soul and gave voice to the spinning and obsessive thoughts I am battling right now. 

I mean, I am a housed person, I own a car, I have clothes to wear and a husband and children I love AND like. But all I see when I look in the mirror are my wrinkles, my scars, the beginnings of grey hair. When I am alone with my thoughts I can’t stop obsessing over things I’ve said that day and how those words might have been received. I am battling this incredible imposter syndrome that I know logically does not make sense.

I walk into my shop everyday and immediately begin worrying about every word I say or decision I make. I am surrounded by 25 highly-capable, smart and talented men and women, yet still wonder how I am going to fail them or if they secretly think I am a terrible leader. The anxiety is exhausting. 

So therapy and meds. I’m not ashamed to talk about it. I’ve pushed so much trauma down in an effort to be strong (total Gen X BS) that I never focused on my own healing. Every Tuesday at 10:00am You’ll find me in our on-site therapy room trying to learn how to unfuck myself and start to love myself…and my wrinkles.

What I love most about the incredible people I get to work with is that anytime one of us has our therapy, we know there is someone outside that room waiting to ask us how we are doing. We are forming one hell of a Malicious Trauma Bond.

We were talking about this on Tuesday and we all made this custom candle for everyone in the Malicious Therapy club. Katie said we should offer it to everyone that might relate. As always, we donate a portion of every sale to The National Foundation For Suicide Prevention in Laura's honor. 

Stay Malicious, 

Lacie 

 

18 comments

  • Nina Bean: October 29, 2022

    Lacie – Thank you for being so real, for trusting us enough to share your story openly. We need to talk about this and continue work to remove the stigmas that surround mental health. My friend Shannon lost her battle and died by suicide in 2014. I’m still grieving and think I always will. I became involved with the AFSP and their annual “Out of the Darkness” walk and I captain a team in her honor and fundraise every year. It’s one way I feel I can support the AFSP and be surrounded by people who understand. I want you to know that you are loved and supported by so many of us, even if you don’t see us. Your tribe is bigger than you can imagine. Sending you love and light. ❤️❤️

  • Jessica : October 29, 2022

    I don’t know how you’re looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection… but yeah. I relate 1000%. I basically can’t be alone with my thoughts as of late, because they are lying bitches. 💗

  • Beth: October 29, 2022

    I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you and love you for this! I see you and I am you and I’m with you. Thanks for bringing light to the world in more ways than one ♥️

  • Mags: October 29, 2022

    Most of us women were raised to come last, take care of every fucking one and every fucking thing with a smile while we’re screaming inside. I’m so grateful you Maliciouses get to scream on the outside. And we all got your back (and your candles!) XXOO

  • Kim: October 29, 2022

    Wow, it was like reading my own mind right now. I think what you refer to as imposter syndrome is what I call high functioning. Like I look normal, I smile and laugh but feel anything but. I’m in the place of beginning to fight back. I lost my brother to suicide and most recently my best friend to cancer so I know that pain. Thank you for being genuine and always know you are never alone

  • Melissa : October 29, 2022

    Thank you for sharing this, very affirming over here as well. There does seem to be a collective grief rising like the tides, of late, and this weekend the veils are thin. My BFF did a ritual performance to Hekate last night in NOLA and it’s still heavy on my mind. I’m glad I saw your post, thank you for your earnest and authentic words here. Much Love, Goddess! 🔥❤️🔥

  • Jasper: October 29, 2022

    Thank you for sharing this. I’ve suffered loss and trauma and upheaval over the past few years and am just now beginning to process it. If I was in a financial position to do so, I’d buy one of these. Even though I can’t, I still appreciate you sharing your story.

  • Julie: October 29, 2022

    I appreciate your transparency so much. And I freaking love this candle! Keep glowing, Lacie. Laura is so proud of you.

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