It's Me. Hi. I'm The Problem

It's Me. Hi. I'm The Problem

It's Me. Hi. I'm The Problem

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this compelled to write a blog post, and I’m feeling a little anxious to share.

I’m back in therapy but It’s different this time. 2017 was the last time I was in therapy focused on processing the most impossible grief. As some of you may recall from my story, in three months, my sister was hit by a farm truck and broke nearly every bone in her body, my daughter who was active duty in the Navy at the time was in the hospital, my father, the most brilliant engineer, fell off a ladder and suffered a severe brain injury and the thing that broke me was my best friend, Laura lost her battle with depression and took her own life. I broke. I was depressed and couldn’t get off the couch. Therapy helped me process my grief, not only losing my heart friend, but helped me to grieve my father who was still alive. Therapy inspired me to take up a hobby to get me off the couch. I was on an LOA from my corporate engineering job and I applied my love of science and testing to create the perfect candle. I used a home labeling software to print my first label. I was playing around and remembered that for 22 years, Laura and I chatted or texted everyday about all the things we would say if only we were more Malicious. I had to incorporate that in the candle somehow and started typing “Malicious Women” I added Candle Co as an afterthought, never imagining I would ever sell a candle. The chandelier in our logo is for our shared love of chandeliers and the type font honors Laura’s love of old typewriters.

I couldn’t think of anything loving or sweet to type on the label. I was feeling sad and full of rage and I remember yelling at Laura for leaving me alone in this Shit Show and chaos. I typed it out on the label, then cried. Then saw my counselor and the rest of the story about the actual shit show and how this became a business is in the ‘Our Story' section of my website.

It's Me. I'm the problem- Credit Taylor Swift

You may be wondering why I am telling you all this. It’s because I feel like the darkness is starting to come back in, slowly and sneaky.  It is different this time. Where my grief was the focus of my depression, now it’s me. I’m the problem.

I have never felt more seen as I did when I heard Taylor Swifts new song, Anti-Hero.  It spoke to my soul and gave voice to the spinning and obsessive thoughts I am battling right now. 

I mean, I am a housed person, I own a car, I have clothes to wear and a husband and children I love AND like. But all I see when I look in the mirror are my wrinkles, my scars, the beginnings of grey hair. When I am alone with my thoughts I can’t stop obsessing over things I’ve said that day and how those words might have been received. I am battling this incredible imposter syndrome that I know logically does not make sense.

I walk into my shop everyday and immediately begin worrying about every word I say or decision I make. I am surrounded by 25 highly-capable, smart and talented men and women, yet still wonder how I am going to fail them or if they secretly think I am a terrible leader. The anxiety is exhausting. 

So therapy and meds. I’m not ashamed to talk about it. I’ve pushed so much trauma down in an effort to be strong (total Gen X BS) that I never focused on my own healing. Every Tuesday at 10:00am You’ll find me in our on-site therapy room trying to learn how to unfuck myself and start to love myself…and my wrinkles.

What I love most about the incredible people I get to work with is that anytime one of us has our therapy, we know there is someone outside that room waiting to ask us how we are doing. We are forming one hell of a Malicious Trauma Bond.

We were talking about this on Tuesday and we all made this custom candle for everyone in the Malicious Therapy club. Katie said we should offer it to everyone that might relate. As always, we donate a portion of every sale to The National Foundation For Suicide Prevention in Laura's honor. 

Stay Malicious, 

Lacie 

 

19 comments

  • Misty: November 01, 2022

    I have followed your journey and growth from the beginning. I love your sentiment, your sense of humor, your compassion. Please stay vulnerable and know that you are loved. And yes – therapy!! XOXO

  • Cassie : October 31, 2022

    Lacie- I’m terrible with my words and at this point struggling to express my thoughts dear.to extreme exhaustion. I commend your courage to be to completely transparent and open . I have been in a very rough place lately myself so this definitely spoke to me. Running a small business (though yours isnt so small anymore!! It’s AMAZING how you have grown in such a short time) is so hard and stressful. I regret my choices to open my business daily at this point.. which hurts because it’s my passion. But it’s hard. Life is hard. It’s exhausting.. I’m glad you are back where you need to be. ❤️

  • Nikki: October 30, 2022

    Just a little teary because this blog hit a bit close to home…I’m so sorry for your friend and so glad you see that you reached out for help! Be well and go get a check up (to make sure you are well PHYSICALLY) Wishing you peace and healing!

  • Pam Kincannon : October 30, 2022

    I wrote a long message about my emotional pain and trauma, but I’m not even strong or brave enough to post it. I do want to thank you for sharing yourself, your story, and your marvelous, Malicious candles. I suppose realizing and acknowledging that I need help is a good first step.

  • Kim: October 30, 2022

    I see you. I hear you. I have been where you are and therapy helps immensely. After a decade long relationship broke apart (thank the goddess), I had to relearn who I was, who my authentic self was. In the process I met and married a wonderful man. All of the years of therapy helped me recognize that he loved me, though he was reluctant to say so. We’ve been together for 18.5 years and during that time lost both sets of parents, a brother to suicide, friends, and pets. I’m so glad you have decide to go to therapy again. The support is so important. Let yourself grieve. If I could send a hug through email you would have one now.

  • Courtney: October 29, 2022

    During 2017, I sat by you. I prayed with you. I watched you grieve Laura and reach out to her family in service and love. It is so hard to challenge our thoughts. After years of telling ourselves we are not enough, it is hard to retrain our brain to accept the wrinkles, the curves, the imperfections. Give yourself grace. Take it one day at a time. Something that has helped me get out of the dark days is gratitude. Physically write down three things that you are grateful for. It will take time but you can challenge your brain and realize that you have so much good and light in your life. Much Love.

  • Kylie: October 29, 2022

    I feel this so hard. I see you and hear you. Your company is amazing and I want to send you all a huge hug (with consent of course). Stay strong and stay malicious.

  • Sara: October 29, 2022

    I’ve got a Malicious candle burning next to me right now. I have never experienced clinical depression thank goodness but I know it’s awful and I hope it will let up for you soon.

  • Melissa: October 29, 2022

    I fucking love you and everything you and your business are about. Thank you for sharing your truth and being vulnerable. Don’t stop. Keep saying the things. You help way more people than you realize. You give all of us a little more courage to be our best selves and to remind us that we are human.

  • Dawn: October 29, 2022

    Imposter. I get it and I feel like that in my soul. It is a weight I cannot shake. Thank you for sharing.

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